One of my favorite quotes from an obscure rock song from the early 200s says, "I want a new mistake, loses more than hesitates". And ever since summer training began (really since I accepted), I've been wondering if I made one big mistake, and to what extent I've signed up to fail. Summer training has definitely been an experience. On some days I feel like I've learned a lot and think that I may have a chance at surviving my first year. But more often than not I feel overwhelmed and completely inadequate. Mostly because I've been forced to absorb so much in so little time. I've said, more than once, that I feel like I've aged 3 years in 5 weeks. That seems a little extreme, but I'm not really exaggerating. In the last 5 weeks I've gotten more criticism than many people have in their entire adult lives. I've also gotten less sleep than a college-kid on adderall during finals week (x5), and I've listened to more opinions on life and work than I thought were possible considering how small the program is and how short my attention span is. The sum effect is that, without having ever really taught...teaching now consumes my life. I find myself watching shows like 90210 and thinking, "those kids need to listen to their damn teacher, instead of talking amongst themselves". The other day while The Taking of Pelham 123, I commented about the teacher-like qualities John Travolta possessed when giving Denzel Washington a number of "choices" as he held 19 people hostage on a NY train. Its pretty much all I think about, and I'm getting a little sick of myself. Nonetheless, I have a lot to think about/ prepare for and if I'm not thinking about teaching I feel a little irresponsible, which 3 months ago wouldn't be a big concern for college-kid Kelly, but is slightly problematic for young-adult, oh-crap-I-have-to-pay-taxes Kelly. But alas, the aging process is more than just wrinkles and fatigue, but also mental growth and I feel like I've done a lot of that myself.
Training was helpful overall, even if only as a reality check for what I'm in store for. I found the Team teachers and 2nd years super helpful throughout the summer and I was really grateful to everyone who helped and offered to help when I struggled to re-learn history and teach it. I'm also really grateful to my classmates who have also given me some really good feedback and listened to me vent about the crazy/stupid/funny/shocking things that I experienced on a daily basis. I feel prepared in the sense that I'm prepared to fail, and maybe do some stuff right along the way. I feel unprepared in the sense that I can't predict what will happen when my first class walks into my door on the first day of school. Questions I still have: Will my students like me? Should I care? What age should I pretend to be? How many lies will I tell to my students within the first week? How many times will I be completely lost in my own classroom? How do i get a student to grade all of my crap for me?
T-2 weeks until I get some answers.
Saying you've aged 3 years in 5 weeks does not sound that extreme to me! I can completely relate to that feeling. I feel like we've all been so tired and overwhelmed while taking on (for me, at least) unprecedented levels of responsibility and work. On top of that, we've received constant criticism, which, as useful and as awesome as it is, is exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI echo your concerns. These students can be a force sometimes. I want to have everything flow so smoothly that I find myself trying to go over answers to questions yet to be asked, if only so it is I am not seen as "not knowing." When I finally my student helper, that little child is not leaving my sight, my red pen, or my E-Z Grader, for that matter. You'll do well. Besides, you look fine. Being 30 is not that bad.
ReplyDeleteThere are things that will happen to you this year that you will have NO control over, my best advice is to stay sane, and don't worry about the things that you can't fix. We have a first year teacher this year at the high school who has 4 kids, two that are college age. I watch her daily struggles and remember how I felt in that first few weeks of school last year, overwhelmed, stressed, tired, and self pity. But, through all of those emotions, I still got through it, and you will too! You'll do a great job this year, just keep your head up!
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